5 Ways to Strengthen Your Relationship During Deployment

John's been home for more than three months now, but I continue to get emails and Facebook messages asking for deployment advice and help. First of all, I love talking to other military significant others, and I love getting these messages (so if you're thinking about sending one, go for it!). Friendly bloggers from across the country helped me during John's deployment and I am so happy that I'm able to return the favor! The most urgent question I've received is this: How did we make our relationship work for a year?  I would love to say I have all the answers, but I can only speak from my experiences and from John's deployment. With that said, this is what worked for us:

1. Don't get upset when the status quo changes. It is easy-- crazy easy-- to get upset, annoyed, frustrated, or worried when things deviate from what you're expecting. Early on in the deployment, I got used to waking up to an email from John every morning. And (you guessed it), one day an email wasn't there. I freaked out. Where was he? Was he alright? Was he safe? Was there a communication black-out? Did something happen? Did he forget about me? Half a day went by, and (you guessed it) an email ended up in my inbox. His shift had been changed so abruptly and without notice, that he couldn't let me know. Throughout the year, his schedule changed over and over again, and so did the times we could talk or email. Moral of the story: Don't get attached to a schedule, and if you do, don't waste time or energy being upset about it.

2. Don't slam the laptop lid... or hang up the phone.  Deployment made me feel powerless. I had no control over what was happening to John, when the deployment was going to be over, or even when John could contact me. Phone calls and Skype sessions are precious. The few times we had arguments, I didn't allow myself the satisfaction of cutting off our communication. It would have felt really satisfying to slam my laptop lid, but the reality afterwards that I could not call him back to apologize would have been terrible. Talk about the issue instead and say I love you when your conversation ends. Which leads us conveniently to numbers three and four.

3. Never stop saying I love you. Obviously, this is a little hyperbolic. But seriously. Say it. You can't hug him. You can't kiss him. You can't see him. (Or if you can Skype, he more often looks like a blob of color than not.) Don't let an opportunity to say I love you (or write it, or type it) pass by.

4. Be real. In our experience, it is far better to be honest and real than to be the mythical military significant other. You know, the stoic one that never cries, never gets down, always takes care of every little problem with complete ease. I tried that for a microsecond. It didn't work. It was important for us both to talk about everything-- the good and the bad. It doesn't always make for the most comfortable conversation, but it does make for a relationship that has trust and honesty at its core.

5. Laugh. There's a lot about deployment that is tough. Look for the humor in the situations you find yourself. Share it with your significant other. Send jokes. Remember that deployment really does end, even though it sometimes feels like it never will. Smile.

100 in 365 Wrap-Up

Last year I created this list of things that I wanted to do while John was gone. Looking over this list, I'm pretty surprised that I got so much done. I'm disappointed with what I read, but in all fairness, I read a ton last year-- just not the books that I said that I wanted to. Go figure! My new list for 2013-14 is residing at the 100 in 365 tab, now. Check it out and see what's on my plate for a new year. Here's what I accomplished, September 2012-September 2013!

Wedding Stuff

1.       Learn how to cardas.

2.      Make centerpieces. (28/25ish) 

3.      Plan a wedding.  

4.      Go to a Bridal Expo.

5.      Find the perfect wedding gown.

6.      Research what we need to set up our house.

Reading

7.      Read the Bible in a year. 

8.      Read Louisa and Marmee.

9.      Read Bossypants.

10.  Read Les Mis.

11.  Read The Count of Monte Cristo.

12.  Read Candide.

13.  Read The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

14.  Read Up from Slavery.

15.  Read The Three Musketeers.

16.  Finally finish the Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin.

17.  Read Deliverance From Evil

18.  Read all of Geraldine Brooks’ fiction. March.  Year of Wonders. People of the Book. Caleb's Crossing.

19.  Read all of Tony Horwitz’s books. A Voyage Long and Strange. Confederates in the Attic. One for the Road. Blue Latitudes. Midnight Rising.

20.  Read This is How You Lose Her.

21.  Read the Age of Miracles. This is the kind of book I want to write. So poignant and beautifully written.

22.  Read American Sphinx.

23.  Read the new JK Rowling book. It didn't change my life, but it was certainly wonderful to read another book by JK. And it gave me hope that she'll be writing and releasing another one!

Health

24.  Run the Baltimore half-marathon. Ashley and I walked/ran it on 10-13-12!

25.  Get to my high school weight and stay there until the wedding, and preferably longer. 

26.  Run or walk another half-marathon in the spring. I ran an 8k with Ashley on 3-16-13! It's not a marathon, but I ran the WHOLE thing and it's gonna have to do!

John’s Deployment

27.  Send John a care package at least once a month. (36/12)

28.  Make John something homemade or handmade at least once a month. (12/12).

29.  Write John a letter every day he's gone. (359/360)

30.  Be at the airport when John comes home for leave.  We said hello on 01-06-13!

31.  Be at the airport when John leaves after his leave. We said goodbye one 01-23-13

32.  Be at the airport when John comes home for good.

33.  Make the cutest sign EVER for when John comes home for good.

34.  Start looking for housing for us when we know John's orders.

Learn Something New

35.  Take French lessons at JHU.  Sadly, not happening this year.

36.  Learn how to cook Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter dinner the way Mom does. Thanksgiving.

37.  Re-learn how to sew.

38.  Earn another certification this year. (Pending on program and cost...) Not happening this year.

39.  Study for the GREs (?) and/or start on application materials for MFA or PhD. programs. Not happening this year.

40.  Take a cake decorating class.

41.  Learn how to actually play pinochle.

42.  Learn a new song with Becky while she plays ukulele.

43.  Learn how to make sushi.

44.  Go to the Glass Grill and learn how to blow glass with Becky.

45.  Take a self-defense class.

46.  Learn  the Wobble.

Writing

47.  Write 6 short stories (0/6).

48.  Enter at least 2 more short story contests or submit at least 2 more short stories for publication somewhere. (1/2) 

Making Stuff

49.  Make a Christmas present for everyone in my and John's families. (10/10) (Proof here!)

50.  Make 12 new dinner recipes over the next 12 months. (1/12)

• Cajun Chicken Pasta

51.  Make homemade marshmallows.

52.  Complete two of the cross stitch wall hangings I bought for our first place together. (2/2)

53.  Make cookies for my students just for fun.

54.  Make a quilt with Mom. Worked on one, but it won't be finished by the end of this year.

55.  If it snows, build a snowman. No snow this year. Sadness.

56.  Make something for the English Department. 

57.  Try to make salted caramels. Here's the recipe!

58.  Make at least two cross stitched Santas for my Santa tree. (2/2)

59.  Cook an entirely organic meal.

60.  Find a delicious recipe for and make fried green tomatoes.

Going Places and Seeing People

61.  Visit VA Beach and Katy at least once this summer.

62.  Go to International Village in PGH this summer.

63.  Attend the church picnic.

64.  Go to as many PSU football games as possible and get a picture with Becky in uniform every time.  And the evidence is here!

65.  Visit PSU on a non-football game weekend. We went while John was home on leave!

66.  Visit PSU on a non-football game weekend. Spent an awesome weekend with Becky on 2/16-18.

67.  Visit PSU on a non-football game weekend. Cheered Becky on in her directorial debut on 2/22-24.

68.  Visit PSU on a non-football game weekend. Blue and White Weekend on 4/19-21.

69.  Visit the BMA.

70.  Visit the Walter's Art Museum.

71.  Meet Ms. Eger for sushi this fall.

72.  See the Cherry Blossom Festival in DC this year. For realsies. I did it! 

73.  Hang out with Lebanon County friends at least once during the summer.

74.  Visit Vicki.

75.  Visit a cute town on the Eastern Shore.

76.  Vote in the Presidential Election.

77.  See Baltimore's Christmas celebration in Mt. Vernon, or have a viewing party and watch it on TV.

78.  Plan a sister's weekend sometime during the school year.

79.  Go to a quilt show with Mom.

80.  Attend and participate in a Holi Festival of Colors in Baltimore.

81.  Hike Mt. Nittany.

82.  Eat at Petite Louis in Roland Park.

83.  Lindsay, Vicki, and Donna at Penn State in August.

84.  Visit Lindsay.

Financial

85.  Do 77 phone interviews for TFA. This is not going to happen since I missed the first round of interviews. New goal: do at least 25 phone interviews for TFA. (24/25) (Ah, so close!)

86.  Shore up my IRA.

87.  Start a new car fund.

88.  Start an apartment/moving fund.

Miscellaneous

89.  Do some kind of nail art thingy.

90.  Do something ridiculous in my classroom (teach without talking, rap, etc.). Lesson with authentic Salem Witch Trials texts, spoke in a goofy, ye Olde Newe Englande dialect.

91.  Read in the bathtub with cookies and candles. On a school night.

92.  Spend election day doing something completely fun that has nothing to do with school.

93.  Play an April Fool's prank.

94.  Go to karaoke with my sisters.

95.  Get Baltimore crabs with my sisters. We opted for sushi.

96.  Go to an author’s book reading either at JHU or the Enoch Pratt Library. Saw Junot Diaz at UMBC on 11/7/12.

97.  Volunteer at the USO at BWI. This was something I thought I had the emotional capacity to do, but I don't think I can be a good, competent volunteer if I cry at every guy in a uniform that I see...

98.   Run the Poetry Out Loud club at my school again this year.

99.  Volunteer for a political campaign (preferably Obama’s).  Phone banked with Shannon on 11/3/12.

100.                      Do 20 random acts of kindness that are out-of-my-way—not just holding a door open, etc. (3/20)

Be the Mr. Rogers You Wish to See in the World

I was fifteen when I watched the Twin Towers fall on TV in Mr. Hunter's English 10 class. I was old enough to understand human suffering and death, but too young to truly empathize. Yesterday at the gym, I watched the horrible footage of the aftermath of the bombings at the Boston Marathon finish line and I choked back tears on the elliptical. In the cloud of smoke and haze, in the moments of uncertainty, people dashed forward without hesitation. People lifted twisted metal off the hurt. People ran with wheelchairs to retrieve victims and returned to ferry others to safety. And (it chokes me up to even think of it), runners crossed the finish line and kept running to hospitals to give blood.

This humble, stalwart bravery is nothing new-- for every massive, violent act we witness as a nation, we see also see a greater, more fearless response. It happened September 11th, it happened in Newtown, it happened in Littleton, and in countless other places. But this time, for a reason I cannot name, those images of people running into the unknown have touched me more deeply and profoundly. 

Judging from the ubiquitous postings of support and heartbreak on social media, the actions of those brave responders have had the same effect on my friends and those I follow. One only needs to look for Fred Rogers. More than any other figure, Bible verse, or quote, Mr. Rogers and his faith in finding helpers in difficult situations surfaced time and time and time again on every social media site to which I subscribe. 

Mr. Rogers was-- and continues to be-- a quiet force of good, even during dark times. A steady, unwavering beacon of hope. He is the very best of what humanity can be: genuine, caring, with an unshakable moral center. Through the magic of television, he continues to reassure us and explain difficult and sometimes scary moments with grace. When I first saw the meme on a friend's wall, I commented sadly and without irony that "The world needs more Mr. Rogerses." It seems that that sentiment is all over the United States tonight. We need Mr. Rogers today. We need his empathy and kindness. We need his steadfastness.

So, today, be Mr. Rogers for someone. Even if it's for just one person. 

Treat everyone as your neighbor.

Love someone who is unlovable or difficult. Love them anyway. Love them unconditionally. 

Tell someone that you can see an inherit worth in them, even if they cannot see it themselves. Even if no one else can see it. Even if what you see is just a very small, very miniscule glimmer deep within them.

Treat someone with dignity, regardless of their position or what they can do for you. Don't ignore the janitor. Say hello. Smile. Nod. Acknowledge their humanity.

Stand up to an injustice. Speak for someone whose voice is weak or silent.

Offer kindness to someone. A handshake to someone who is lonely. A granola bar to someone who is hungry. A smile to someone who is sad.

Share something with one who has nothing. Don't think about the reward, material or otherwise.

Thank someone to whom gratitude is rarely shown. Take cookies to your local post office. Tip the waitress who knows your lunch order by heart more than you normally do. Write a letter of compliment about the cashier at your grocery store's excellent service and make sure the manager receives it.

Ease someone's burden, even if it makes yours temporarily heavier. Give someone the chance to rest.

Accept someone who is different. Don't worry what others may think or how it may affect your reputation. Reach across whatever divide separates you from them.

Pray for someone. Really pray for them and mean it.

And don't stop with today. Be Mr. Rogers for someone else  tomorrow. And the next day. And the next. Kindness and good works will never completely expunge the darkness from our broken world.  That doesn't mean we should give up; darkness can only exist where there is an absence of light.  Light as many corners of our world as possible.

And make every day a beautiful day in your neighborhood.

Being Super Social!

At the beginning of February, I participated in the Lots of Love Blogger Swap. The idea was to get the name of another blogger, (lovingly) stalk their blog for a bit, and then send them a care package in time for Valentine's Day. I was lucky enough to get a box from the crafty Denyse from Glitter, Glue and Paint.

She sent me a Charm City Cakes wedding cake pop kit, a bag of Swedish Fish, and a recipe for... fried green tomatoes! It was absolutely perfect! I haven't had a chance to try the cake pops yet, although I can't wait. That's going to be an activity for next week, I think. (I have to confess, I've never even eaten a cake pop  before. Feel free to judge me.)  I've been chomping on Swedish Fish. And, I've finally got a tried-and-true fried green tomatoes recipe which, when I make them, will be one more check mark off on my 100 in 365 list!  Thanks, Denyse! That package made my day!

Today, I'm lucky enough to be a co-host for Sarah's blog hop. You will probably recognize her since she blogs at Life In a Breakdown and has been chilling on my sidebar for the whole month of February. If you've got a blog, feel free to link up and hop around! We'd love to have you!

 

Welcome to the I Love My Post blog hop where we invite you to link up your favourite post of the week, to show it off and hopefully receive some love from the others partaking in the hop!

If you are yet to participate in a hop they are really simple to get the hang of all you need to do is 'hop' around, hopefully finding some new great reads!

The Rules are simple. 

1. Check out and follow the hosts and co-hosts. Leave them a comment if you would like them to follow back. 

2. Choose at least 3 other blogs and hop on over and leave them some love, plus let them know how you found them - I'm sure they would love it if you followed as well! 

3. Have Fun and come back next Saturday.

Please just don't link up and click off to make this successful everyone needs to hop around!

Your Host’s this week are: 

Sarah from Life in a Break Down 

Bex from Futures 

and our lovely co-host’s are: 

Mallory from And Then He Wagged His Tail 

Jo from Jo MyGosh 

JC from Sweet Love and Ginger 

Vita from PixieVita 

Natalie from Twenty Three Seventeen

I would love it if you would tweet, share on facebook or place our button on your blog, the more sharing we can get happening the bigger this hop can become!

<div align="center"><a href="http://www.lifeinabreakdown.com/" title="Life in a Break Down"><img src="http://img823.imageshack.us/img823/1971/ilovemypostnew.jpg" alt="Life in a Break Down" style="border:none;" /></a></div>

This week's Featured Blogger is: Natalie from from Twenty Three Seventeen I love Natalie's blog she's a straight talker and there's something about that that always draws me in - you know what your getting with someone who's straight down the line - check out more about her here. ~ Sarah

If you fancy being next week’s featured blogger make sure you follow all the rules give you hosts and co-hosts a follow and Sarah could be calling on you next week to come and feature with us.

R&R Stands for Ridiculous & Rad!

Here's the post I've been dying to write and post, but just couldn't bring myself to write it and admit that John's leave has come and gone. Lame, right? I know. But as I was flipping through pictures that are now more than a month and a half old, I couldn't help but smile and feel absolutely, over-the-moon happy. Somehow we managed to fit so much awesome into 15 days that it pained me to have to choose between photos. (So you'll just have to look at a lot of photos of food and us. Sorry.)

Food

If you know anything about me by now, you know that I love food. So does John. (This is most likely the largest reason why we're perfect for each other.)

While he was home, John grilled out, we ate sushi (twice!), ate piping hot, tiny doughnuts in the car while snow swirled around us outside, and John got the Reuben sandwich he had been lusting after for the previous seven months. That doesn't even include the two Christmas dinners we had at each of our folks' houses, the Thanksgiving dinner John's mom made, or homemade treats we chomped down.

 Wedding

One of our gigantic goals was to make sure that we did as much wedding stuff as we possibly could. We (hold onto your hat) found and bought wedding rings, tasted and chose our cake and icing, met with the wedding coordinator at our venue and figured out most of the reception's big details, met with our pastor and figured out most of the ceremony's details, picked out invitations, got John fitted for a tux, and took two dance lessons. And that doesn't even include Steven. We did battle with an over-zealous wedding registry consultant who held us hostage at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. (Steven didn't let us hold the beepy remotey thing! The horrors we endured!) Eventually, we found our way to Macy's where they gave us chocolate and the beepy remotey thing. And yeah, we picked out china. That was pretty darn cool.  (And that crazed look in my eye? That's what happens when you spend three hours in Bed, Bath, and Beyond and only register seven items. Because you're not allowed to touch the beepy remotey thing. Yes. Seven. Items.) 

Adventures

And we definitely, definitely, definitely did our part to try to make up for the year John had been and would be missing. I have too many favorite memories to label them as such. 

We went to see the symphony. We saw Les Mis. We had one of the best dinners of my life (I didn't even know cornbread croutons exist! They do and they are delicious. Delicious.)  We traveled to Penn State to see one of my sisters, enjoy a day at our alma mater, and finish up our engagement photos (and knocked off #65 on my 100 in 365).  We went to a spa and got pedicures. We went shopping-- it is remarkable how exciting Kohl's and American Eagle can be when you're with someone you haven't been with for a long time! 

We enjoyed hanging out with both sides of our families-- from watching movies to playing charades and dominoes to going to a school board meeting to talking late into the night.

And, our friends surprised John. We lured (that's the only word that works in this instance) him to a breakfast place under the false pretense that he and I were going to spend a whole day together. When we walked into the restaurant, about ten of John's closest friends from college were there. He wasn't expecting to see them during leave, and he definitely wasn't expecting to see them all together.We spent almost the entire day hanging out-- going to a really need conservatory and a craft brewery and restaurant. But the best part was getting to see all of them joking, laughing, and smiling together. I really need to devote an entire post to it: it was one of the coolest things ever.  I say that without any hyperbole.

And then, too soon it was time for John to go back for another [insert number of months here]. I already wrote about that, but if you missed it (and want to read a thoroughly sad, weepy post, you can check it out here).

I cannot wait for John to come home.  The fifteen days of leave were the longest span of time we've been together consecutively (unless you count four years of college and we don't). I can't wait to marry my up-for-anything, even-gets-pedicures-with-me buddy and spend my life with him. I can't imagine anything better!

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A Date (Box) to Remember!

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! Today has been a pretty tough day-- not because John's gone, but because my students were so hyped up on sugar that they were almost literally bouncing off the walls. Add to that numerous enormous stuffed bears, Macy's-Parade-sized balloons, and gigantic sweets, and you can understand the difficulties of my day.  

So, while dealing with sugar-rushing, hormone-raging teens today, I went to my happy place: Valentine's Day last year. John was close to Baltimore for some training, so we were able to go on an honest-to-goodness, in-the-flesh, really-real Valentine's Day date. It was the first Valentine's Day we spent together, and it was fantastic: one of the best dates-- nay, best evenings-- ever.

When I came up with the box, I was feeling a little sorry for myself. I wanted to relive that night. And then, I realized that we could! Distance be damned! So, I sent John a Valentine's Day dinner box with everything to recreate that night and for us to share a dinner together

John took me to Il Porto, a fantastic Italian restaurant. We had a fantastic three-course dinner complete with candles and linens, so of course, the box had to have a place setting equal to the restaurant's ambiance! Yes, this dinner is so fancy that I just had to include a plastic champagne flute and a menu.  (I have a matching glass and the same napkins and plates for myself.)  You guys know me-- I embrace the cheesy-- and there's a whole lot of cheese in the menu!

Appetizer: Trader Joseph's Bruschetta with Handcrafted Cracker Thins

(I sent a jar of Trader Joe's bruschetta, which is one of John's favorite items for me to send. I also sent him a bag of the homemade Wheat Thins I shared this week.) 

Main Course: Tender Rotini with Fire-Roasted Tomato Sauce  (You guessed it-- it's a Healthy Choice microwavable meal!) 

Dessert: A pair of Double Chocolate Sweet Cherry Cookies (I also blogged about this recipe this week!) 

While our dinner was amazing last year, the best part was the time that we spent together. We walked around town holding hands and window shopping. To represent this, I took one of my gloves that no longer has a partner, and filled it with rice. John can microwave it, slip it into his uniform, and use it as a hand warmer. That night, we visited an insanely cute candy store and had fun buying way, way, way too much candy. So, I sent him a few of Six-Minute Vanilla Caramels.  And, of course, there's the goodnight kiss.  I packed a Hershey's Kiss. 

Next year, we'll have another Valentine's Day to share together, but for this year, we'll make do with Skype and a Healthy Choice meal. (Nothing says love like pasta at 10 PM for me-- and 7:30 AM for him!) Still, I am so lucky that John has internet access. I absolutely cannot complain. Not even one tiny bit! 

I didn't think the box would make it to John in time-- especially when Winter Storm Nemo hit the East Coast. Today, John emailed me-- he got the box in the nick of time! Now, pardon me as I paint my nails and do my hair! I have a hot date tonight!

13 Posts for 2013

2012, wow. What a year! Strange, thrilling, maddening, challenging, frustrating, and elating... and all in just 366 days. I can't say that I'm excited that 2012 is over, but I can't say that I'm sad to see it go. 

2012 will always be the year that John proposed.  But it will also always be the year that he left for Afghanistan. But 2012 will also be the year that I traveled more than I have in a long time. It's the year I spent more time with my Grandpa, the year I started writing again, the year I began a blog, the year I completed a half-marathon. It is the year I lived in two time zones and tried to function in both of them. And, perhaps, not coincidentally, I was sicker this year than I have been for a long time.

I haven't been blogging for a whole year yet, but I thought it would be fun to take a look back on 13 posts to celebrate 2013.

As a teacher, I operate in the cycle of the school year. August 30th (or around there) always feels like the start of the new year, while January 1st always feels like more of an interlude. And since I've been blogging since the beginning of the 2012-13 school year, I thought it appropriate to categorize the posts with some high school terminology.

The Populars

These posts have gotten the most views, pins, tweets, and likes.

1. I am a Sushi Ninja!  

I sent John a box of faux sushi in September with the intent of giving him something to laugh about . I didn't expect it to be the blog's all-time most viewed post!  

 

2. Shaving John from Hunger

During No Shave November, I sent John a mustache-themed care package with just about as much non-DFAC food as I could possibly stuff into it. 

3. Why Panera Has My Business

An act of kindness made a box of bagels blog-worthy in November.

The Wall Flowers

I loved writing these posts, but they didn't get much traffic. Show 'em a little love now!

 

4. Dogtags

When I started wearing John's in June, I didn't realize how contentious the issue was in the military community. Nor did I anticipate the comments and questions I'd encounter.

5. The 100-Day Mark

We made it to 100 days during September. It was the first time I really wrote candidly about John's deployment and was a huge leap of faith for me. 

6. Crying Over Spilled Beer

Because I'm a wuss, I just had to write about crying during a Sam Adams beer commercial. Yes, you read that right, and yes, there's probably a reason it's the least-viewed post in my blog's portfolio.

The Social Butterflies

These posts received the most comments. And I love reading what you have to think! It's always wonderful see a new comment notification in my inbox! 

7. An Advent to Remember

I sent John an Advent care package this year-- 24 ornaments to hang on a paper Christmas tree. This was the inaugural post, and I was so pleased to see that it struck a chord with my readers!

 

8. Sending a Sweet Treat

During December, I sent my youngest sister what was probably the strangest thing she's ever gotten in the mail.

 

9. Crowdsourcing a Care Package 

Just a day ago, I reached out to the blogo-Twitto-Facebooko-spheres and asked for care package help for a reader. The sense of community and response was overwhelming and touching. You are the best! 

The Teacher's Pets

My favorites. 'Nuff said.

10. Take My Hand, We'll Make it, I Swear...

I just loved this package-- it cracked me up. Plus, Bon Jovi. Is anything else important?

11. Hymns of Thanks

Writing this post was one of the most reflective, calming, and uplifting things I've done for myself all year. 

12. Of Brownies and Banners

This was my favorite care package decoration I've made thus far, and John got a kick out of it too!

The Odd Man Out

There's always the kid who doesn't have a partner...

13. Gra-yes-la Bars!

This is one of two recipes that John consistently asks for. It's easy, as healthy as you want to make it, and extremely shippable! 

I Did Not Want to Write This

Today, I was going to post another template for one of John's Christmas ornaments. And then, yesterday, Sandy Hook happened. If you don't want to read my thoughts about this unconscionable horror, I understand. It is hard to read about and watch, as we are a nation of saturation and sensationalism. In fact, I really questioned whether to write this post at all. I rarely write anything political because, quite frankly, I am so tired of the screaming-makes-right, my-way-or-the-highway, you're-the-devil-because-you-don't-hold-my-beliefs, rabid discourse of our country.

I recognize that many of you may not agree with this post; but I also know that you, my wonderful readers and friends, are rational, kind, caring, and loving people. And I know that you are saddened and outraged and disgusted by the cold murder of elementary school students. My intent is to, calmly and rationally, process my anger and frustration, and hopefully, create something that resonates with many people, regardless of their political leanings.

Time and time again, whether the shooting takes place in a mall in Oregon, a movie theater in Colorado, a grocery store in Arizona, or a school in Connecticut, the outrage is palpable.

As if we never saw this coming. 

As if we live in a nation where no one ever draws a gun on another. 

As if we had no idea there is such brutality and calculating evil in our borders.

After every mass shooting, people ask the same tired questions and make the same tired statements: Our hearts are broken. Why did this happen? Go hug your children. Who is responsible for this tragedy? Show more empathy towards each other. How do we respond to this? Carry a concealed weapon. Why are semi-automatic weapons available for sale? Prayer in schools is the answer. Why did God let this happen?

But nothing, none of that, no adage-- no matter how heartfelt or self-righteous-- can bring back a child, dead in their elementary school classroom. It can't dry  parents' tears. 

As an educator (and a living, breathing, human being), the rhetoric angers me because it is so impotent. Rhetoric does not stop bullets or prevent someone from walking into my classroom and turning a gun onto any one of my precious students. In an age of relativism, we too often allow discourse to boil down to this one idea: "You can believe what you want and I'll believe what I want, and we'll both pretend both sides are 100% right."  Because that's the easy thing to do. It's easy to sit back and continue with the status quo rather than doing the hard work of change. 

I am just as guilty as-- if not guiltier than-- the next person of passive compliance. I don't like to ruffle feathers and, while I enjoy debate, I don't enjoy conflict. And so often, the conversation about gun violence and gun control turns malicious with both sides slinging angry diatribes at each other. 

I do not see the average gun owner as a murderer or accessory to these heinous crimes. Personally, I dislike all guns-- their lethality terrifies me--but I grew up in a rural area where many people hunt. (Heck, we even got days off from school for hunting season.) I have friends who own weapons; my dad even has flintlock pistol, built from a kit, in my parents' house (I know, I know, we're up on the latest technology in Central PA).

But, I also teach in Baltimore-- a city with a chronic, debilitating gun violence problem. My five years as an urban teacher have not gone untouched by it.  I've had two students injured in shootings, one of whom is restricted to a wheelchair and will never walk again. Two years ago, we had a student gunned down in the  street, while his friend desperately ran for cover. And last year, a student took a gun into my school. Thank goodness he never pulled the trigger. But what if he had? What if he had in my hallway? Or on one of my students? Or in my classroom? 

And, my heart has broken countless times over the student essays I've read and conversations I've had with my kids who have seen their relatives shot in front of them, or who have attended funerals of friends whose lives have been-- often randomly-- cut short. My students are inured in the violence and abuse of urban poverty, and yet, when we talk about it, not a single one of them wants easier access to guns. They don't see guns as a solution or preventative to more violence. 

I won't pretend to know all of details and facts about every aspect of the gun rights/control debate; it is so multifaceted. But I do know this: if gun violence were a blind turn that resulted in multiple auto fatalities a year, we would fix the road. If this were a crosswalk on a dangerous street, we'd pay for crossing guards and red light cameras. If this were nightclub with a history of violent fights, ordinances would be created and the business given an ultimatum: clean up or close. If it were an outbreak of e.Coli because of unsafe food practices, the FDA would work tirelessly until those loopholes are closed. And if those measures failed to produce results, we'd recalibrate, fix them and try again. Because we're a nation of fixers, doers, and solvers.

But certainly, certainly the answer to this despicable crime is not to press on, pretending as if it's an anomaly. Because it's not.

How many murdered students, Christmas shoppers, and movie goers does it take until our hearts are so broken we are forced into action and into compromise?

Or do we just pick up next week, hang ornaments on our Christmas trees, wrap presents, and slowly forget about the twenty families that will be taking down small stockings from their mantles?